I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
