I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
