What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
