I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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