i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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