In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
