the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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