Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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