If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
