You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
