The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
