the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
