So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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