They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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