my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
