just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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