Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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