Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
