i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
