About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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