would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
