woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My breasts were aching with rage.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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