Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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