I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
