Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I met the friendliest cop last night
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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