When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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