Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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