I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
