can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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