I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
