When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize