we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The Olympian is in my bed
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
