remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
