***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
