Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize