We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
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