I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
