He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
