I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
