On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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