i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
