i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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