We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
