Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
