You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He better not be in your backpack
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
