was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
