my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
