Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
