my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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