i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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