Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
