Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
