he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
