did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
