Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
