i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize