Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
