So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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