It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Please don't give away my fajitas
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
