the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
not ubering you a puppy
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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