On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize